I was recently inpatient in a psychiatric hospital that was quite horrifying. I wrote some notes while in there about my experience that I would like to share. This is what I had written. —
“As I write with this squiggly, metal-hospital-patient safe pen, I bleed empathy for patient “M” who was deemed “too dangerous” to be allowed out to interact with the rest of the patients. They are confined to their room, completely locked inside it, 24/7, unless they need to use the restrooms which are in the hallways and disconnected from the rooms. When they step outside they look absolutely terrified. They seem to have been told that they are not allowed to interact with the rest of the patient population and they look traumatized when they see the rest of the patients, afraid of doing something wrong and being punished by the staff.
I was told by the nurses that they were “too dangerous” and that it was a doctor’s order for them to be locked away, yet, how can they ever prove to be anything other than dangerous without any opportunity to show otherwise? They have no way to show any improvement if they can’t interact with anyone, no way to display growth or healing, and there is nothing but trauma in isolation.
This was actually a doctor’s order, how disgusting and horrifying is that? This extreme isolation is dangerously, how is this going to heal anyone? It’s punishment for being mentally ill, it’s quite literally “psychiatric incarceration”. As if the absolute lack of contact with their peers who would understand their experience and be able to empathize about being trapped and held captive in the facility is a part of metal health treatment when it’s contributing to trauma and suffering. There is no therapeutic value of this abuse. They are actively causing harm to patient “M”.
These facilities are the ones that are “dangerous”. They’re the ones that aught to be feared. They’re holding a patient in solitary confinement! After looking into things, talking with my peers and staff, I have discovered that patient “M” has been locked away for at least a month and has been in the hospital overall for several months. It is sickening. We are trapped in this facility with the constant threat of being punished for existing with our various challenges. Constant threat of being tied up, of being forcibly injected with drugs, forced to take medications, having our stay extended, and in extreme cases, being locked in a room for an unspecified length of time to sit in absolutely isolation with our own thoughts and zero human contact.
This is not a place of healing or recovery, this is a place where we are put to be corrected from our mental health challenges so that we can conform to societal constructs a bit better. I feel the weight, the pressure on me to change my behaviors to be better and conform to societal constructs. I’m not here to heal my traumas or learn to cope better for my own wellness, I’m here to learn how to cope better so that my behaviors are under control and in turn, burden others around me less and make everyone more comfortable. It’s not about me. It’s not about patient “M”. They’re not considering their best interest, they’re worried about how to make them and their behaviors more “normal” and fixing us. We are not broken.
Yesterday, there was a significant amount of mold found in the room for patient “M”. They had them step outside for several minutes as they simply bleached the entire floor and surfaces. I watches as patient “M” looked afraid and frozen outside of their room, unsure of how to interact with the space away from their confinement. Mold is known to worsen or causes mental illness. No one had been in their room for so long that they didn’t even notice that it had developed, that is so concerning. The staff were making jokes and laughing at the state of the room, effectively mocking and making fun of patient “M” and their level of cleanliness. As if that was something they should be focused on when they are literally living a nightmare. That would be the furthest thing from my mind.
This entire experience, being here, writing with this bendy, mental hospital pen, being around all these defeated, hopeless-feeling patients that just want their freedom and peace, it breaks my heart. The way so many of my peers’ spirits are broken down, the way they have been broken down by the mental health system and the world around us, is so disheartening.
These places should be safe space to actually get better, to talk about what is needed to cultivate growth, motivation and acceptance, yet it is a place of toxicity, neglect and dehumanization towards patients. I know I feel that it is being communicated that I am inferior, that my rights don’t matter, that my voice isn’t heard. We all deserve to be heard.
We are living beings and deserve respect, we are inherently worthy of safety and compassion.
We are valuable.”
